Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Jocelyn's LiveJournal:

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Monday, July 10th, 2006
12:35 am	Apparently that doesn't work. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tv9VyYZ1qdQ this will (Comment on this)
12:34 am	For anyone who misses Sadie: (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 24th, 2006
1:22 am	I stole this from Sarah because I love surveys. 1. How tall are you barefoot? 5' 7" 2. Have you ever been unfaithful in a relationship? Nope. Not yet anyway. Hahaha just kidding. 3. Do you own a gun? Good god no. 4. If you had a mental disorder, what would it be? Everything. At once. Actually I'd probably have "Pure O," a form of OCD that involves obessive thought and does not have the physical tic. Either that or schitzophrenia. 5. How many letters are in your crush's name? Seven. 6. What do you think of hot dogs? Loved them, hated them for a longer period of time, now I can tolerate them. Never want a boiled one ever in my life again. Once in a while if I'm hungry enough for salt a cold one will do (ew, right?) Mostly, I like them from Wasses. But I never ever eat them unless I'm with Megan. 7. What's your favorite class? Anything production-based. Animation was the best so far. But I like "class time" with Phil the best. 8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Water. 9. Do you do push-ups? HA. no. I ran 2.5 miles both yesterday and today though. 10. Have you ever done ecstasy? No, can't say I have. But you never know... apparently that stuff fucks shit up. I might not remember. 12. Do you like the rain? Sometimes. When it's RAIN. None of that drizzle crap. 14. Do you own a knife? Swiss! 15. Do you have A.D.D.? Oh, most likely. I'm going to a shrink this summer so we'll find out! 16. Full initials? JMH 17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment: 1. Why would they ask that question? 2. What am I going to say? 3. I'm hungry... 18. Name the last 3 things you bought: 1. Double prints of my last roll of B/W film 2. A new cell phone!!! 3. Clothes at the GAP including a sweet HOT PINK strapless bra. 19. Name five drinks you regularly drink, in order most to least: Water, Soda, Coffee, Juice, Milk 20. What time did you wake up today? 5:15 am... Goddamn cat. Then I fell back asleep and woke up at 10am. 22. Current worry? Do I have Adult ADD, Do I have an anxiety problem, Will I be able to get all the things done this summer I need to, Will I make enough money this summer, Will I get fined for not having my vehicle inspected on time, Will I have another expensive thing happen to my car, Will I be ready for a bathing suit by July 3rd, If I run tomorrow will I be too sore at work, Will I ever be able to do my schoolwork like I would like to, will I get into all the classes I need to get into Will I get in to Cinematography, Will I make Cai's senior thesis look sweet, Will my relationship with Cai hold this year, Will I get skin cancer from having a tan, will the shrink find anything wrong with me, what if nothing is wrong with me, what then? what if I just suck at life, what if I don't get enough sleep tonight, what if I can't keep running 2.5 miles a day, what if I never stop thinking and talking to myself ever ever ever....????????????????????????????????????????????????? 23. Current hate? Anxiety. 24. Favorite place to be? The ocean. Maine, once I get used to the nothingness and I have something to do, Ithaca, Padre Island Texas, El Capitan California, Homer Alaska, Aurora Colorado, Pierre South Dakota, Albuquerque New Mexico, Montreal, Yellowstone National Park, Yosemite National Park, Denali National Park, Camden Maine, Boston Mass, NEW YORK CITY 25. Least favorite place to be? Maine 26. Where would you like to go? Everywhere. 27. Do you own slippers? Psh. No. 28. Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs? Think? Who knows. Where would I LIKE to be? Absolutely SMOKIN', married to an amazing woman, 3 kids in progress - at least one girl, accepting the oscar for "best cinematography." 29. Do you burn or tan? burn, then tan. It takes a while though. 30. Yellow or blue? Blue. Never together. Ugh. Separately, yes. Blue. or Yellow. 31. Would you be a pirate? GOD YES. 32. Last time your cell rang? 11:00 am - KATIE BRILLHART WOOOOO in the amazing lounge of an airport 30 minutes before her flight left for Korea! 33. What songs do you sing in the shower? Whatever is playing on the radio. 34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? Men in black clothing with weapons. 35. What's in your pocket right now? $115 in tips from last night!!! 36. Last thing that made you laugh? Everything, at the end of the night. Sadie just came in and meowed in several short tones like she was saying a sentence. 37. Best bed sheets you had as a child? I totally had Little Mermaid sheets. 38. Worst injury you've ever had? I broke my arm in 7th grade. I was playing soccer and we were doing drills in practice. I shot at the goal, the goalie saved it and then kicked it back out to me, except I was right in front of her, and she kicked it really hard, aimed wrong (or right...) and it went straight for my head. I put up my arms to protect myself and the ball hit the palm of my hand, causing a slight buckle fracture in my left arm. Since it wasn't visible through skin, the coach just thought I sprained my wrist or something, even though I was crying harder than I've ever cried in public (before last year I never. ever. cried in public.) and made me sit out and ice it. Some of the bitches on that team got mad when I wouldn't chase after the balls they hit over my head, but I couldn't move my arm. So my mom said to wait until the morning, and in the morning it was just as bad and in fact a huge red bump appeared on my arm so we went to the hospital and I got a bright green cast. The End. 39. What is your GPA? 3.4 I think? 40. How many TVs do you have in your house? 2. But only one has cable. 41. Who is your loudest friend? My girlfriend. 42. Who is your most silent friend? My friends tend to be loud. Hahaha. Probably Sean Whiteman. I don't know if I've ever heard him be loud. Ever. 43. Does someone have a crush on you? How would I know? 44. Do you wish on stars? Ahhh I used to. But now I'm old and jaded/bitter. That shit never works. 45. What is your favorite book? Watership Down 46. What song did you last hear? I dunno but it goes "Oh I make you lauuugh, and you make me cry -- I believe it's TIME FOR ME TO FLYYYYYY" 48. What song do you want played at your funeral? something Classic Rock. Elton John perhaps. Just not "Candle in the Wind" 49. What were you doing at 12AM last night? Getting out of work. Driving home. 50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? SADIE SHUT THE HELL UP AND STOP KNOCKING THINGS OFF MY SHELF IT'S 5 AM Current Mood: It's 2am, I should be asleep.. Current Music: Island Girl - Elton John (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 13th, 2006
12:08 pm	(in no particular order) 1. I am so fucking in love with Caitlin Hall. That needs to be said or I might explode. 2. A few weeks ago there was an article in the paper that told this story: Some woman got way plastered and was driving home when she ran out of gas. She then proceeded to steal a ride-on lawn mower and drive it the rest of the way home. She is now in jail. The end. 3. Some people at work find it necessary to be nasty with me when they're stressed out or annoyed or something. I find this innapropriate. I don't know how old they think I am. 4. Work is no fun when 30 people come to dinner. 5. Ken Degraff died. I have so many mixed emotions, I'm not quite sure what to think. I am sad, yes. I don't even know what to say because my thoughts about him were so controversial when he was alive. He did take up a lot of my time, yes, that I could have been doing something else. But I am glad I gave that time to an old man who seemed so lonely. He did give me the gift of a lot of hope and drive for film, and for the park school. I am thankful for that and for the many books he lent me. If he is buried in the area, if he is buried, I want to visit him and thank him for all that. I did thank him when I had the chance, but I want to do it again. They say you're never as alone as when you die, but it gives me a sickness in my stomach to think that his was a death so lonely, by himself, in his house, and who knows how long it took him to finally leave this place. If Death is Kind Perhaps if death is kind, and there can be returning, We will come back to earth some fragrant night, And take these lanes to find the sea, and bending Breathe the same honeysuckle, low and white. We will come down at night to these resounding beaches And the long gentle thunder of the sea, Here for a single hour in the wide starlight We shall be happy, for the dead are free. ~Sara Teasdale Current Mood: numb Current Music: silence (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 11th, 2006
1:59 am	In the process of downloading the next L Word Episode... Tonight I learned what it is to get a splinter of bread (bread!) in my finger. It's painful. Those sourdoughs - they'll getcha. No kidding. So I used to haaaate being called "sweetie" or "baby" or etc. ect. This was, mmm... probably last year to the beginning of this year. Once I got used to "girlfriend" and started using "baby" myself, well it all went away. I think it was part of my wall system. I remember Sarah once saying "awww sweetie" to me when I was having a bad something or other, and I got so mad at it, well I think that if that had been today I would have burst into tears and it would have all come gushing out. Amazing, how I've gone from crying like twice a year to crying all the fucking time. I believe it all started with being obsessed with my inability to cry when one of my proffessors got cancer. Anyway. This woman I work with calls me "baby doll" once in a while and I absolutely fucking love it. Another woman calls everyone "baby" and "sweetie" and I love that too. That's another thing slipping under the walls I somehow figure to get back up.... my love of being called "baby doll". I'm learning wine tasting! This guy Jay at work taught me a few things, and I'm learning to try and somehow understand the fruit. I can't tell if he 'likes' me or not, because if he does he's being very very cool and awesome about it. I don't think he knows I have a girlfriend yet, only two people at work do (that I told), but once he knows I'll be home free to try and hang out with him because he is really awesome. Gosh. What is a good way to say "hey. we're in Maine. and I know you're older than me and single. so maine + men + single + girls always equals DATE. But. I'm not looking to date, in fact I am taken and I don't like penises. so please can we hang out because I like you very much?" Anyway. I somehow consumed strawberries. I think it was probably pureed into some drink I tried or some food I ate at work. Nice little allergic reaction I've got going. It's pretty sweet... not going to lie... I hate it actually... Today was brilliant. Tennis soon. God I hope the sun comes out. Current Mood: jittery! Current Music: Miss Mary Anne kept her man in porcupine clothes... (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 10th, 2006
12:36 am	I got into a fighting match with myself last night about who I really am anymore. That's weird... I've decided to stop kicking myself bloody about how much of an emotional person I am. I feel a lot. And when I say a lot I mean like I've always got some huge emotion boiling up whether it's a happy one or a sad one or a confused one, it's always there. I don't feel in small doses any more. I used to have walls, ones I constructed over long periods of time spent with myself, inside my head, dueling it out over and over. My relationship with Cai deconstructed those walls rather quickly, because all of a sudden when you start to feel this love different than any friend love, strong and bittersweet and so very intense, you can't have those same walls you always had. I figured, to hell with walls, let it all out, that's what having a partner is for. I think that perhaps I was wrong. See, if I have to have walls... then why should this other person bear the brunt of my emotions with no walls of protection. And I can't explain myself away. It's all I ever try to do, is explain this emotion I have, and goddamn it if I can't understand it why could anyone else? The thing is, I can't figure out how to love and have walls at the same time. To construct walls is to block myself from feeling, and so where can love go? I don't quite understand how to have selective walls... I don't understand how to numb everything else and to keep the love intense. Oh dilemmas... In other news: I'm working at a very very nice restaurant, doing a modified sort of busing. It includes water for tables, iced or bottled (take glasses away, bring special glass, pelegrino (bubbly) or saratoga (flat)? lemon or lime?) serving things very specific ways, setting tables very specific ways, keeping up with what tables are on which courses so as not to clear the wrong things, and then sweeping the crumbs off the tables with a crazy thing and setting for dessert with special dessert menus, clearing and resetting tables for a "turnover" where new customers arrive, polishing silverware (yay. not.), etc etc etc crazy etc. It's fun when this guy Ben is there, he trained me. Also even more fun when this guy Luke is there - he's 16 and I kind of grew up with him and his brother. He's a gerat kid. Way cool. We have fun. So tonight I saw this guy who could have been David Gatten's brother. It gave me a heart attack, because at first glance I thought it was David. For some reason I spent all night wanting to give him a hug, even though he got creepy and locked eyes with me way too many times for way too long, and I caught him looking at me way way too many times. Not cool. I don't care if our black fitted shirts we are required to wear are sexy. Anyway, he was rather drunk. But beyond that, I miss what David was to me. He was this figure that, even though I don't understand what happened with him, and I know some bad things about him, still taught me a lot and was always nice to me and helped start the fire under my passion for filmmaking. And I do miss him. I do miss that charisma. So I'm trying to figure out what to do with my time, now that my work schedule is 3:30pm to midnight. All of my friends from last summer have moved on to bigger, better things (like the Virgin Islands.... gosh...). I have my best friend Megan who I talk to and see a few times a week because of her work schedule, and my friend Jess I see like once every two weeks... aaand that's it. Everyone else is gone, or I don't care to be in touch with. So I've spent a lot of time in self-reflection, and my god I need it. I've changed so much this past year, and I can't stop seeing that as "bad" and how I need to get "better." The scary part is, I'm not sure I will get "better." I just need to figure out what I have changed, what I can change again, and what I need to learn to live with. I'm tired of thinking I think too much. I am what I am, good and bad, and I'm going to see where I can go with that. June might be radio silence. Current Mood: Letting it all go. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 11th, 2006
2:15 pm	I really love my mom. I think that this summer we might get to be really good friends, which I am excited for. I love talking to her, because we share a lot of the same views about relationships and things. She might just be able to talk me into making my life better somehow. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 20th, 2006
1:54 am	Apparently I will do anything to get away from writing a script. Cept it's due tomorrow... and I work all morning. God fucking shit dammit. And my tummy hurts. A lot. And I have no clean clothes for tomorrow. F. F. F. In other news it feels like I've reached that point in a relationship where things are resolved with mutual understanding of what to do and it feels like teamwork and oh my god it's fucking scary. I'm not sure I even deserve to be in a relationship for this long. And I don't know what I mean by that. Also - finally came to terms with the fact that I'm as much fucked up as the next person. Excellent. As long as I'm not alone. Furthermore - decided that I want to get married so bad. So bad. Not yet though. Life is going by so fast... yet so slowly. I'm only a sophomore? What? Two more years of college? What? No... AND - I want babies! Lots of babies! Not right now. But someday! Perhaps after I've established a career. Babies! Finally - is it normal to be in a relationship with someone for 7 months and sometimes still feel like you barely know them? Finally Finally - does anyone use livejournal anymore? Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Enya... it's shuffle, kids. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 4th, 2005
12:11 pm	Reading my old entries makes me realize just how much I've changed over the past semester. Side note: I may or may not have woken up at 9am yesterday morning to stay in bed until 6pm. Current Mood: to edit a film in a day Current Music: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 1st, 2005
10:47 pm	So today I had a really good day for the first time in months. Yesterday I realized I am the least ok I've ever been in my life. Tonight's the first night I haven't broken down in a week. It makes me feel very unfriendly. But today was good because I got to attack everyone I could with the sudden love I feel again. I hope it lasts this time. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 8th, 2005
11:11 am	I talked to my Dad last night about Cai and about me being gay. It was a very intense conversation, he got mad because first of all I'm driving my car around after the brakes failed because all the brake fluid drained away. Second of all, I had been asking if I could bring Cai home for a day or two Thanksgiving Break and he thought I was just telling him I was going to do that. Then, I started crying and he stopped being mad and we talked about me being gay and having 4 years dealing with it and me giving him 3 weeks... though we have talked about it briefly on occasion, not nearly enough. So I'm going home and my Mom my Dad and I are all planning on having conversations about it, which is a big step. Apparently he payed a lot more attention to the times that I'd briefly mentioned thinking i liked girls than I thought he did. The thing is - talking to my dad about it punched me in the face with the realization yet again that I can never be straight. I can never lead a "normal" life. I thought I had come to that conclusion earlier this year, and I thought I had accepted myself and I thought I was ok with it but I am not. I don't want to be gay. And it hurts deep inside at the top of my rib cage. I feel like I've been crying constantly, which I pretty much have. Either I'm PMSing or Cai has broken down the "showing emotion" wall and I feel comfortable crying with her. Probably both. Right now I feel like my life this year is a complete failure. I hate going to classes, I hate learning, I don't want to do anything any more and school is a big hassle. I'm not doing so well in my classes and I'm feeling the lest intelligent that I have ever felt. And I hate my sexuality. On top of that, I'm in love, so much that I'm constantly scared shitless that I'm going to lose her. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 1st, 2005
12:51 pm	Happy Birthday Sarah R.!!! You rock. Thank you for being alive. Love, me. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 25th, 2005
10:29 am	Cai and I spent the past 3 straight days together, and I liked it a lot. This has never happened to me befoe with anybody. We both managed to catch terrible sicknesses and have spent most of the time sleeping or watching tv. I get the results of my strep test today... we'll see just how sick I am. I attended a minicourse in communications this weekend, which pretty much ate up the entire weekend. Friday night I went to viva with Sarah, Chris, Mike, and Tyler. Then I played with Sarah, Sean, Chris, Jess, etc. that night. It was good to be with all of those there that night again. We then went to Marla's birthday party which attracted the police 5 minutes after we got there... so we left. Saturday I went to gay class (A history of gays, lesbians, transgender, transvestite etc. in american telivision) from 10-3 and then we came back to the house and slept forever. Saturday night was Christie's birthday party, I went as a "killer lesbian" which we learned about in gay class... god I love my retractable dagger. David was there, which was pretty awesome. I just wish he would tell us exactly what's the most likely scenario for our classes for the rest of the year. Other than that, it is SO nice to see him every once in a while. After that we went to Cai's friend Peter's for another birthday party, but left soon because we were wiped. Saturday night we didn't go to bed until about 5:30am. Then we got up for gay class and barely survived that, went home and slept for the rest of the day. Monday we slept a lot and then went to the health center. Cai has a terrible cold, but I probably have strep. Which means she'll probably have strep soon. I spent the rest of the afternoon into early evening in post, then dropped by my room (where I haven't slept for a long, long time) to see Emily. Then went back to the house and watched tv and eventually slept. Bleah being sick. My head feels like it's being run though by millions of tiny knives. Current Mood: blah Current Music: Nickel Creek (which is NOT Nickelback) (Comment on this)
Friday, October 14th, 2005
2:27 pm	This computer sucks. Hard. It makes a horrible noise and it takes up my entire desk. I do appreciate ITS bringing it to me though. I mean, at least I have something. *sigh* Uh oh I may be a little jacked on caffeine. I accidentally opened a Rock Star tooooo early. Dammit. Current Mood: irritated Current Music: There Are 9 Million Bicycles in Bejing (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 9th, 2005
11:05 am	Today is Jason Pearl's birthday! Happy Birthday Jason Pearl! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 29th, 2005
8:19 pm	3 Peter Kubelka was excellent. I got to touch his film! 35mm, it was very soft and pretty. 4 Schedule for this weekend: New York Film Festival!!! Views From the Avant Garde 2:30pm tomorrow - leave Ithaca for NYC. Sometime after that - arrive at Carolyn's house, proceed to wind down Saturday: 2:15pm screening - The Secret History of the Dividing Line (9 Parts) - David Gatten Wandering NYC, eventually partying. Being crazy, pretty much. Sunday: 2:30pm screening - Larry Gottheim (FogLine) (I GET TO SEE A GOOD PRINT OF FOGLINE!!!!!!) Godddd! I think there is another program I'll be attending in there... something about something... I think Saturday night? Sunday night: Traveling back to Ithaca some time - most likely arriving early Monday morning. I'm already sick. I'm preparing to come close to death within the next week. Excellent. 5 Big Plans for this year: Preproduction on Film With KT Filmmaking and traveling with Mike this summer. Experimental Film 6 My door is stuck open - creepy. 7 Beautiful Current Mood: awake - 4 hours of sleep. hm. Current Music: Bob Dylan: Mr. Tambourine Man (Comment on this)
3:32 pm	1 I'm trying to return to the positive, well grounded person I know I really am. What happened? First off, I need a little more sleep. 6.5 hours then 4 hours apparently makes me spastic. Positive, though. I can't write very well, on that amount of sleep. I need to do so much work, but every time I think about it I want to eat something instead. That also has to stop. Hi I need more structure in my life. I suppose I'll start going to the gym. I think that I don't like to go because I'm afraid that there won't be a treadmill open... and then there's the awkward time where you have to either wait or find another machine. There's the awkward wandering around because my eyes can't focus on a roomful of equipment very well and I can't tell which machines are being used and which aren't 2 I'M NOT LACTOSE INTOLERANT ANYMORE!!!!! I just found out the other day. At dinner I really wanted pizza so I ate two pieces, even though I didn't have lactaid I just figured I'd get some after dinner and I'd just deal with the terrible stomach ache because I really wanted that pizza. Then 1am rolled around and I was like "hey... I forgot lactaid" BUT I felt FINE!!! And then I got excited. Yesterday, for dinner, to test myself, I had a glass of milk, a bagel with cream cheese, tuna fish (mayo), and ice cream. AND I FELT FINE!! I'm just going to go easy for now though because I'm deathly afraid that I will overload and then be lactose intolerant again. 10 years of suffering over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to be continued: I'm off to the Peter Kubelka screening at Cornell Cinemas. A professor of film and culinary arts, what could be better!? (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 22nd, 2005
12:39 am	So. I took DayQuil around 7:30pm and now I'm wired. (It's 12:39...) Strange how that works. I might have a fever, either that or it's abnormally hot in this room. Usually I am prone to assuming the worst, but in this case I think it is hot in the room. Also, I can hear a train somewhere in Ithaca and it reminds me of an experimental film we watched today. Which in turn reminds me of another film we watched that was made from old, disintigrating film that the filmmaker shone light from the side onto to create a new visual from the old. It was really beautiful. Also really scary. It had lots of ocean and waves crashing and wind blowing and breathing and an operation. Operations scare me to death. A freshman asked me today what the trick is to Film A&A and I told her the trick was to just get through it. I can't imagine being able to deal with that class even now. Then she asked me to give her an example of one of the papers I wrote. AHAHAHAHA. I told her that since I'm planning on minoring in writing I can write, and I bulshitted my way through. I also told her I got a B- in the class and she thought that was doing well. I keep hearing that train and it's creepy. Last Friday night I consumed way too much vodka. Now I know my limit. That's exciting. However, I do not know exactly how much I consumed. I can only estimate. But I vomited for the first time ever (from alcohol) and I don't remember a lot of the night. That's one experience I don't plan on repeating. That train... Saturday was good - I didn't drink but went to a party and had an excellent time. I didn't get back to Holmes until 5pm Sunday. Good times. (I also didn't get to sleep until 7:30 Sunday morning) The people who live in Holmes are really loud and obnoxious at 1am. Seriously now. That's when they START the ruckus. No sense whatsoever. You children should get to bed or you'll turn into homeless people. I also talked to another freshman girl tonight who was stumbling around intoxicated and had recieved a HUGE hickey on her neck from some other freshman. She asked me tips at getting rid of it, and I told her "sweetheart you are not going to be able to get rid of it, but try icing it tonight and then you know the drill with the wardrobe." How do I manage to sound so slick when no one can appreciate it? I actually never have had a hickey. No, I lied. Lindsay gave me one last year. They are not my favorite. Today Experimental got out early so Mike and I went back to his apartment and made soup and napped until 7:30. He is a VERY good spooner. Thank goodness we have the same sickness at the same time. That train is still making sounds... do they always make constant noise? I am hoping this DayQuil runs out soon... so I can sleep. I will never take NyQuill again. I took it last night and I felt like I was dead, at the same time I dreampt alllll night long I think I sleep-walked to the bathroom, I also felt like I was swimming in pudding all night. That is seriously the feeling that I was having. Never again. Very disturbing. Current Mood: wired Current Music: Blue Eyes - The Shins (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
10:55 am	[http://quizilla.com/users/JocelynIsSoCool/quizzes/How%20do%20YOU%20like%20the%20name%20'Mildred'?] You should probably go to that link. I'm just saying. Then click on the other link. (PS it's copywright 2003, don't think I have THAT much time on my hands lately) (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 14th, 2005
11:59 am	I found out yesterday that I'm allergic to doritos. (2 Comments |Comment on this)